Kewl Kar Korner

Detroit's heyday was the mid-60's to mid-70's. Body styling was getting a little more subdued. V-8's, straight and slant sixes were under every hood. Way up there in the pantheon of "Cool 70's Cars" was the '72 Nova (I believe "Hunter" had one in the popular TV series.) Another contender was the '72 Dodge Dart.

I recently borrowed a Dart for an extended test drive. I wanted to see how this behemoth stood up in the light of the '90's. My particular "loaner" had a "genuine" 93,000 miles on the clock, came in magnolia yellow, and had a vinyl roof and "Custom" badges (both optional). There was one major dent on the front passenger door.

The owner told me that he had recently fitted oversized whitewall tires ($26/ea inc. balancing from "The Used Tire Company") and a new battery (Free - source unknown). The Smog Certificate ($33.75) was current. Title transfer and registration ($68) were being processed. New shock absorbers (about $110, including labor from "Sears Automotive") and an alignment were next on the agenda. The ride would be "sloppy".

Over 10 days, I covered about 250 miles on a variety of road surfaces: Interstates, non-county maintained roads and city streets. Here are my impressions:

Engine: A V-8 of about 300+ cu. ins. A peek under the hood revealed a big, blue engine block, a huge air filter and a bunch of other stuff. The ground was reassuringly visible around the edges.

Sounds: "Pioneer" speakers (about $100 from Radio Shack) did a good job of reproducing the one radio station available on the original radio. The ads got boring after a while.

Interior: Luxurious, vinyl-covered, well-bolstered upholstery, with surprisingly few rips. Plenty of room for six riders with the front bench seat center armrest in the UP position. My companion and I enjoyed consensual oral sex in the front with no contortion or cramping. The huge back seat can accomodate VERY relaxed intimacy.

Storage space: Non-existent inside. A major drawback. The trunk can accommodate a ping-pong table. Lack of trunk carpeting made the noise of the jack bouncing around a major distraction.

Handling: The high-geared power steering encourages one-finger control, with the right arm extended along the seat back. Could be dangerous in certain situations. Shot shocks induced major tire squeal when cornering and trying for a quick getaway from lights. Comforting, overall.

Performance: This puppy needs warmin' up before he hits the highway! (It could be just this particular vehicle - yours could behave differently.) I developed a routine. Stoke 'im up. Fire up a Marlboro Light. Sip on a cuppa joe. Relax. After about 5 minutes, he's ready.

At low speeds, there was a lag in pick-up through the three-speed AT. This occasionally led to embarrassing stalls at stop signs, particularly at night. 0-60 was about 8-9 seconds - pretty good for a car with a curb weight of around 3000 lbs. When he got rolling, he went like a dream. Very little throttle required to maintain a steady 75 mph. Lack of back brake pads could be problematical. (Your car could be different).

Gas: Premium grade (around $1.38/gallon) got about 10 mpg overall. It pans out to about 8/city, 12-13/highway.

Nerd quotient: High

Pluses:

• Seemed to elicit cheers from carloads of high school girls.
• Easy to maintain an exclusion zone of about 8 feet all round.
• Intimidates Miata drivers. Also anyone driving anything made after about 1982.
• Optional black wardrobe (not included).

Minuses:

• Seemed to elicit cheers from carloads of high school boys.
• Parking.
• Cops.
• Need a black wardrobe, a few tattoos and a couple of piercings. A visible brand would work. (Prices vary with location.)

Availability: Fairly limited, depending on region. Check out supermarket parking lots, flea markets, Goodwill.

Price: Expect to pay around $1000 (+/-$200), depending on mileage, condition and location. Cash only.